cover letters: a study in honesty

Dear Prospective Employer,

Greetings! I am copying and pasting this cover letter, with minor edits, in the hope that you will deign to pay me just enough money to keep a roof over my head for doing what used to be the job of 2.3 people.

Your advertised position makes me want to put my head through a brick wall only a little bit, and I feel confident in performing eight of the 11 tasks required. However, I have more than a decade of experience in tasks 1-6, which the attached work samples will demonstrate. I also hold an advanced degree.

Most likely, Prospective Employer, you will not look at the aforementioned work samples. Instead, you will most likely hire someone younger, with less experience and more followers on Instagram. Someone, perhaps, more like you. I would appreciate the opportunity to tell you to your face why that is, in fact, a load of hooey.

Should you have the courtesy to reply to this letter, I will look forward to a continued and productive correspondence. But I have my doubts.

Yours sincerely.

P.S. Neither a “beer fridge” nor a “pet-friendly” office is a legitimate work benefit.

 

 

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