Trigger Warning Christmas Carols (as rejected by McSweeney’s)

‘Tis the season for the hashtag activists to remind us that “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is a ‘rapey’ song. Because no one ever played hard-to-get. 
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Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lady Gaga perform a role-reversing rendition. Special guest star: Kermit the Frog. 

But what about all the other Christmas tunes that invade our mental safe spaces and offend our delicate sensibilities? 

 
To begin, “White Christmas” is obviously racist. It’s in the title. 
 
Perhaps the same could be said, less the title, about “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” with the added element of affirmative action. Is Santa an equal opportunity employer? And while we’re on the subject of employment, is there a reindeer union? Do they get hazard pay? Overtime?? And what sort of harassment policies are in effect at the North Pole? Laughing and calling him names is just flat out bullying. 
 
I’m an old-fashioned lady, so my first instinct is to say that “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is a lament on infidelity, but my husband reminded me that no one cares about that anymore. It could be that the little spy’s parents are going to have to have a talk with him about polyamory and Mommy & Daddy’s open marriage, but without more evidence, we can only assume the little misogynist-in-training is just slut-shaming his poor mother. 
 
Mothers, and mother’s mothers, get a poor crack in Christmas music. If “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” isn’t about elder abuse, we should all eat our Santa Hats. Poor Grandma. She just wants a nice Christmas with her grandkids, and the little bastards are singing about her grievous injuries. Also, aren’t those fucking reindeer supposed to be flying? 
 
“Frosty the Snowman” exposes children to the concept of death. Just think about how traumatizing it was when Mr. Hooper died on “Sesame Street,” then add a carrot nose and a top hat. 
 
That “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” party is bound to bring up some feelings for the recovering alcoholics. And how confident can we be that every couple really wants to stop under the mistletoe? Is someone putting Spanish fly in the eggnog? 
 
“Santa Baby” needs no explanation beyond a single word: Capitalism. Eartha Kitt was the original Material Girl.
 
I don’t know who Mariah Carey was obsessing on when she wrote the lyrics to “All I Want for Christmas is You,” but there’s something stalker-y going on there. “I just want you for my own…” Imagine Donald Trump singing that and tell me you don’t feel violated. 
 
But that’s not the only Christmas carol that requires a harassment warning. “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” is basically about a guy who belongs on the sex offender registry. Or in prison. 
 
Finally, under the heading of self-interest, I’m going to demand that “Deck the Halls” come with a trigger warning for people named Holly. It’s a select group that knows what it’s like to go through the holiday season with musical callings to be hung up.
 
Please be sure to issue all appropriate trigger warnings and only sing holiday melodies in safe spaces, with full consent of all parties. Effects of global warming aside, ’tis the season for snowflakes. 
 
Falalalalalalalala.
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