Boomers in da club

My mother, convinced that guests will not enjoy dancing at my vintage-style wedding unless we include “popular” music, proceeded last night to play me a selection of tunes I am fairly certain were written with the purpose of inducing sweaty sexual harassment. Apparently, this is 65-year-old ladies’ jam.

win, lose or draw: monday afternoon adventures at whole foods

Adventure the First: Here’s Lookin’ at You, Kid

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This dude makes me want to have a dinner party, because the idea of serving guests an entrée that stares them down is highly amusing to me.

Adventure the Second: My Two Cents, Literally


Dear Whole Foods:

Two cents off does not a last chance clearance price make. I would humbly suggest that everyone who enters your store donate the two cents saved on that LAST CHANCE! clearance sale to hire a math tutor for whoever does your pricing.

Adventure the Third: Coconuts for You


If you’ve ever seen this Coco Libre sparkling organic coconut water from concentrate and thought, “wow, that sounds disgusting,” you would be correct. Not possessing your power of clairvoyance, I can tell you that this particular product tastes as though a lemon had sex with a coconut, then they stuck the used condom in a can and poured some fizzy water over it.

Final Score:

You – 1
Me – 0
Whole Foods – negative 2, because that two cents off thing is really inexcusable

Loser: The red snapper, because at least the rest of us are alive and not about to served up at someone’s dinner party.

yeah, i’m hip. i’m with it.


I received a wrong number text today and had a series of reactions. In order:

1) This person should not be using drugs (because I’m judgey like that).
2) Wow, not making sure the number is correct was a dumb move.
3) Hey, I know what “molly” is! I’m like, 90 percent sure I know. I’m hip (do kids still say “hip?”). I understand how kids talk!

It seemed pretty certain that reactions one and three would not be appreciated, so a gentler version of reaction 2 seemed an appropriate response.


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I do not understand how kids talk.

what i think vs. what i say

This notice was forwarded to me:

 U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) is continuing its efforts to take back unused, unwanted and expired prescription medications.  The DEA invites the public to bring their potentially dangerous, unwanted medicines to one of over 5,000 collection sites around the country that are manned by more than 3,800 of DEA’s tribal and local law enforcement partners this Saturday, April 30th, from 10 am-2 pm local time.  This service is free of charge, with no questions asked.

 The public can find a nearby collection site by visiting, clicking on the “Got Drugs?” icon, and entering their zip code into the search window, or they can call 800-882-9539.  Only pills and other solids, like patches, will be accepted—the public should not bring liquids, needles or other sharps to take back sites.

How I wanted to reply:

I sell all my leftover prescription drugs to law students or give them friends with teenagers/who don’t have insurance. It’s a good way to make a little extra cash without the tedium of uploading photos of old clothes on to eBay*. 

How I actually replied:


Because some people just don’t appreciate sarcasm. More’s the pity for them.

*CMA: Obviously, I don’t actually do that. It would be A) Illegal, B) Stupid and C) Doubly Stupid (in title case) to blog about it. But that needs to be stated for absolute clarification because see comment about people who don’t appreciate sarcasm. I might be a snarky bitch, but I’m an intelligent and law-abiding** snarky bitch. 

**I always wear my seatbelt. Even in cabs.

dumb death

I recently heard about a young man who died falling off a roof at a St. Patrick’s Day party. A college classmate of mine died trying to jump between roofs.

And I couldn’t help but think “what a dumb, pointless way to die.”

I hope I can become the kind of person who doesn’t think things like that. It doesn’t seem terribly magnanimous, or generous in spirit.

Also, I hope I don’t die in really dumb, pointless way.

(What? Personal growth doesn’t happen all at once).