That’s how you pronounce it, right?

A lesson in why it’s important to think about your acronyms:

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And, weeks later:

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Kiefer Sutherland for President

Just saw a commercial for “Designated Survivor” that included the tagline (line breaks to indicate words shown on screen):

LET

THE POWER

GRAB

And then I had a horrific fear that the next screen would include the words “YOU BY THE…”.

 

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(The last word in the ad, just to reassure you, was BEGIN)

The floozy standard

Thing 1: It’s not necessarily the best contract…
Thing 2: Will it cover my ass?
Thing 1: Most of it.
Thing 2: So, it’s akin to the bikini bottoms* we see a lot of girls wearing at the beach?
Thing 1: Pretty much. It’s definitely not a thong.
 
*In which the essential parts, but not the full behind is covered. So, you know, floozy-looking, but probably won’t get you arrested for solicitation. This metaphor can be applied as a standard for pretty much everything in life.
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Skinny bitches

I remember, years ago, overhearing a couple of my cousins saying, You’ll never be as skinny as you are at your wedding.
I like to know what they were on, because I am three months out from my wedding, I am stress eating like a motherfucker, and I’m pretty sure they’re going to have to change my name on my wedding invitation to large Marge. You could fit two skinny brides in my wedding dress.  

Bitches. Not my cousins, I love them, just the people who are skinny at their weddings.

It would be way too bridezilla of me to demand that all the guests gain 40 pounds before October, right? I’ve heard of insane brides demanding that her wedding party ladies go on a cleanse, so this would be the same thing just opposite… right? 

No? Just checking. 

The movies lied to us

I have a dilemma. I would really like to bitch and moan about how freaking tired I am, because that’s what the Internet is for, right? Bitching and moaning.

The problem is: if I do that, some jackass is bound to say “just wait until you have kids.” and then I will be thoroughly disappointed that said jackass is not standing directly in front of me to receive a well deserved punch in the throat.

But… if teleportation existed the way ’80s and ’90s sci-fi movies promised it would, it would be far easier for me to deliver the aforementioned throat punch. And then I could utilize the Internet for its intended purpose (other than, you know, cat videos and porn) without fear of disappointment.

The point is, kids: never believe what you see in the movies.