In honor of the season where people trot out the same “‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ is ‘rapey’ (important concept, stupid word) insights that we’ve been hearing for years (every version I’ve heard gives me much more of a coy/playing hard to get/reputation-concerned feeling), we bring you #TriggerWarningChristmasCarols
“‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ is about affirmative action. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer – elder abuse. And ‘White Christmas is obviously racist.'”
“‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ – infidelity.”
“Nobody cares about that anymore.”
“‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ – stalking.”
“Yeah, it feels like sexual harassment. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was saying that to you.”
“I’ve been trying to think of one for ‘Frosty the Snowman’.”
“It exposes children to the concept of death. Think about how traumatizing it was when Mr. Hooper died on ‘Sesame Street’. Or ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’, which isn’t about death, but you think it is.”
I thought it was about drugs.”
“Santa Baby – capitalism.”
“Deck the Halls should come with a trigger warning for people named Holly.”
“No. They’re special snowflakes, but they don’t get a trigger warning.”
“Santa Claus is coming to town is just about a guy who should be on the sex offender registry list.”
Pretty sure this is a more a statement about your taste in romantic partners than it is one about the greatness of your dog. And more likely a statement on you as a romantic partner. To be fair, all of your former partners probably thought your dog was the best part of the deal as well.
I don’t get these dog people. Not dog-people as in half person, half dog, people who think their dogs are EVERYTHING. Like, the greatest thing since that machine that slices an entire loaf of bread AT ONCE.
And don’t say “unconditional love.” Unconditional love doesn’t gouge your furniture and sniff your crotch without permission. When men do that, we call it sexual harassment.
Also, I can’t decide if a dog-person would be cool or SCARY AS ALL GET OUT.